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|Tuesday, October 7th, 2014|
|Wednesday, February 26th, 2014|
|I looked forward to saturday so the month of hell can die and hopefully march isn't a month of hell
So my ex-boyfriend who lived with me for over a year, sexually, emotionally, and physically abused me. He was not the type of person to just go off and slap and hit. He got me into holds and used pressure points to hurt me. He left on his own, I suspect because he knew I was getting few up and already stood up to him once about to call the police, at which point he confined me using a hold and hurt me, until I promised not to do so and kept it. That was 1 to 3 months before he left on his own. He never used direct punches or the like to hurt me physically, he knew enough to get me into a hold and use pressure points to hurt me, never left a mark on me.
octobor 16th sucks ass. Got threatened with rape, told you don't need me by my abuser while he had loud sex with people who turned into my ex-friends after that.
With all the flashbacks, I couldn't just leave it with the positive "ending" that was when he left. I had to tell him off online that he was an abusive asshole, that nothing he could do would be good for anyone. he tried to make it out your the one who is mistaken, you ever thought it was you who harm people! I threw it back, refusing to accept that. Wound up with a total threat against my life. One which I know him able to carry out and that even if he lived thousands of miles away that he is mentally unstable enough to come after me eventually:/
|Friday, February 21st, 2014|
|Still in hell
(Please excuse gramatical and spelling errors, i'm under such stress i'm making them left and right on any form)
So did I mention I had been abused badly by my boyfriend 7 years ago, emotionally/physically/sexually. After being forcibly commited and made to talk about it, i know suffer flash backs again, something i haven't had in years. So last night talking to my mom, she said things like I shouldn't be feeling bad because i'm just giving these people power over me, I exploded with rage, and destroyed a wall. The holes in that wall are a flashback trigger so i can't even stay in my own house right now. So have to get it repaired as fast as possible, if it isn't done today i'll spend the weekend in a hotel. I don't have the money to do this, but if i don't i'll wind up commited again and even more traumatized. Not to mention my mom feels so guilty about making me feel worse she isn't doing well making me feel guilty and worse.
|Wednesday, February 19th, 2014|
|Next post up.
Alright, I guess I'll go into being commited to mental health against my will for 3 days, due to drug interaction of meth and maoi, which shouldn't have happened because i needed to be in the damn hospital being observed.
First up some people have said I made that up not here just in real life to make trouble for them and doubt it happened, yes from the East Idaho Furries.
Roofied on the evening of the second as the MAOI kept all the drug concentrating in the brain, things just kept getting worse for me mentally. So on Monday afternoon the fourth I wound up calling someone in a panic, mental health professional just talked to the secretary who called 911. I got a trip to the hospital, as they talked about eliminating medical causes for the problems which they didn't because they didn't bother to ask about my medications, (Yes, meth + MAOI is a medical issue not a mental one, one that requires watching both brain and heart for potential brain aneurysm or heart attack, as well as flushing out my body since I wasn't doing it myself). Anyways, after that I went to trying to figure out anything I did that could have caused it. Two deep worries set in that pretty much were a panic attack. I have a friend who i've talked to online for years dieing of a brain tumor, so i went to what if it's that. The second one was, I had a sinus infection four years ago and a rather corrupt ENT used scare tactics and tried to pressure for same day surgery of this will soon break through into your brain and cause spinal menegitis, i wound up having surgery by him a week later. So I was panicing that I'd ignored the symptoms of a sinus infection occuring again because they matched what my symptoms were then. So I said I was worried I had an infection that could have eaten through the bone to the brain. (Yes it can, an abcessed tooth can eat through the surrounding bone slowly, it's not instant of course). And felt a sinus infection, aka sinus pressure and headaches, they took that as a symptom of hallucination and was of the factors in commiting me. As it turns out I do have a sinus infection. Not to mention Capener is a horrible doctor and my Septum is so deviated that it has sealed the nasal entrance to my right sinus. Since, I wasn't in my right head the first day and hadn't had anything to drink the previous. I hunger and water striked. Meth dries out the sinuses, I dehydrated myself so my sinus issues accelerated and are growing worse by the day now rather than by the month.
In Nevada red flags were set off that he was commiting fraud. He was performing more surgeries in total and per day than any other ENT. He was also performing all the surgeries faster than anyone else, so much so that several of the experts felt it was implausibly fast and thus he didn't perform them. So he was acquited of fraud. Doesn't mean that he is capable enough to do things that fast without causing his patients lots of trouble. A lot of people in the area wind up having to have surgeries a few years after he performs one on them. But I'll get to that in a bit, back to the suckyness of being commited.
First of all I believe all incarceration, jail and mental involuntary commital to be immoral, it goes against all of my religious and spiritual believes, so I felt hyper violated by that. They rotate the on duty techs and nurses daily so it's a different one each day there luckily. The first nurse didn't treat me like a patient, she behaved more like I was a drug addict that belonged in a prison cell awaiting trial. Since I was already paranoid due to the drug assault on me from the drug itself (I wasn't aware meth was in my system until tuesday), that just made things worse. This wasn't what I was thinking at the time, it's the way it comes across upon self reflection on what happened in there, no one else gave me that sense. No one did a medication history on me so they weren't aware of the MAOI and thus started the search for why i was so suicidal. So they kept asking about past abuse, aka the thing that gave me PTSD and turned me into a social hermit for years. yes I was sexually, emotionally, and physically abused by my boyfriend, no asking me about it every half hour when I haven't had flashbacks in a couple years is not helpful. Yes, I am having flashbacks again now. Ok, since it was involuntary, the first guy Designated examiner wasn't certain why I was involuntarily committed and thought I shouldn't have been. The second senior one was more conservative, he would only release me to a family member, forcing my mother to fly from Virginia to Idaho. If that had failed, I would have spent last week still there seeing a lawyer preparing a case on why I didn't need to be committed and wasn't a danger to myself to be presented to a judge. Being out of there that first night i was truly happy, I was free. (here's a little secret about me, if I am ever put in prison I hope I would have the strength to kill myself. Not of suicide but because I loathe that kind of thing so much).
So now I have to suffer flash backs again, been retraumatized, had one of my greatest fears become a reality and terrify me even more. Not to mention one of the reasons I got put in there, actually happens to exist though it's not in danger of getting to my brain any time soon. Though given the nature of sinus pressure and pain increasing daily it does put major surgery to correct what some other surgeon did on the list of things to do in the next 2 to 3 weeks. I don't recall them ever asking what medication I was on and i remember most of that day. I was emotionally off not other things. They could have but I think it most likely didn't happen. Reminds me for Austerity reasons lots of towns and cities have police and emts running 36 hour shifts.
Ok, so I got to see my current ENT this week, he noted the utter septum deviation and that i have a huge hole in my septum that is much larger than the first time i saw him. He ordered a CT scan, normal, I didn't mention everything to him, didn't have time for it. Also can't do it at the hospital in Idaho Falls, because I don't want that kind of headache, aka the ENT who did the surgery also does some emergency work at EIRMC in addition to his regular practice. So I need the scan to be done outside of Idaho Falls. Not to mention some of the things the ENT who has messed up on a lot of people will only appear on a sinus CT with contrast, or a sinus MRI with contrast and it's impossible to know which one, so I'm pushing to get both done. I don't want a major surgery there and have something missed that was done incorrectly and be forced to have another major surgery a year later.
So in summary for this month, I've been assaulted by illegal drug, commited involuntarily, been retraumatized by that restarting PTSD flashbacks, and have major sinus issues that reqiures surgery. So I really feel like i've been raped by multiple people this month, even though some of it occured years ago.
|Thursday, February 13th, 2014|
|Heh, been forever since I've posted here.
Now i'm getting depressed and need a place to vent some. now that someone has commited assault by whatever it's called when someone randomly drugs you with crystal meth, I'm terrified even more of social contact. I'm horribly lonely and have a new horrible anxiety trigger.
I still have to consider my conscience on a lot of levels. I know, more than I ever wanted to about crystal meth now, after seeing physicians, and victim advocates. Not to mention assault by crystal meth being a possible thing to occur.
I'm on Emsam (12mg/24 hr), a selegline maoi medication. It delivers through the skin, and works to destroy an enzyme that breaks down dopamine and seratonin. The evening of Saturday Febuary 2nd, given mental states as well as what the tox screen at the hospital showed. I was dosed with crystal meth. Emsam may indeed partially break down into L-methamphetamine. Crystal meth though is far more complicated, it also has signatures for Barbiturates among other things in it. It also matches up with the mental break down that occured in me. Given the medication of an MAOI it could have caused a Serotonin poisoning, hypertension great enough to give me a heart attack or brain aneurysm.
So with the breakdown of drugs inhibited in my brain, the concentration of crystal meth continued to go up. Even though I went to the hospital on Monday the 4th, the major effects didn't end until Wednesday the 6th with lingering effects still around. The mood effects and disturbances I experience place it at sometime Saturday evening at Idaho Fall's Leo's I was dosed. Via having my root beer spiked/roofied (seems to be a term that is coming into use for more than just date rape). True I was there to meet up with Eastern Idaho Furriess, EIF. Doesn't mean that anyone in the group did it, it definitely isn't a group about that sort of thing. I can't rule out anyone but statistically I think there is probably an illegal drug user in any group over a dozen.
I also have anxiety disorders that cause me panic attacks. This has turned Eastern Idaho Furries into a trigger for me, though I would be more than happy to meet anyone, outside of such a meet and remain a furry. Any post to the contrary by me did happen to be drug induced.
People on Crystal meth, do indeed go around randomly dosing people for their self-amusement. In Idaho Falls, such random druggings of people is apparently a daily occurance. It's even worse in true college towns.
I struggled with my conscience and decided I had to mention it so that no one else has it happen and because people do bring their kids. Just keep a watch on food and drink and don't assume that any Restraunt is a 100% safe place. As to even leaving the group. I'm not comfortable that it was decided such an event can't even be mentioned publically as a warning that people should watch out. I did poorly word it and would have re-worded it or left it otherwise, though it was fully deleted. I made a post here because I'm still struggling with what I should do morally, and I believe I need to state this to live with myself.
Sidenote: I left Eastern Idaho Furries because due to the unfortunate event it is now a panic attack anxiety trigger for me. That is the primary reason and is more than sufficient to have caused me to do so. The way it's treated upsets me and is contributory.
Leaving me a crisis of conscience, that I post this up. It is still a complicated issue that leaves me uncertain what can ever really be done. Either way I still have to do this for myself based on personal beliefs. Even if I wind up ostracized by some in the future.
|Sunday, January 22nd, 2012|
Minecraft. I'm looking for an alpha version of minecraft as well as a beta version. The clients and servers.
I know the product wasn't as good then, but I'm so curious about that started the craze that I ignored for years that I just can't resist starting playing in an alpha setting.
|Saturday, January 14th, 2012|
|Simple Machine Forum
Does anyone know a hosting provider that provides a Simple Machine Forum software setup?
|Sunday, January 8th, 2012|
|Sunday, November 13th, 2011|
|On Instincts and Adaptation
As Humans we all have instincts derived from Apes, yet countless humans will reject that view even today. They will continue to believe they have no relation to Apes that God made them whole cloth or even worse that they have no instincts at all. Others just think we evolved out of instincts when we gained the ability to think. Others just don’t take it into consideration. Yet in this day and age society is evolving with utterly no regard to humanities instincts and even worse humanity pretends that it’s irrelevant. Every year in the U.S. and in the world as a whole people give in and blindly follow their instincts even if those instincts in a modern world become equivalent to the proverbial lemmings running off the cliffs into the sea to their deaths.
Where are the studies into human instincts themselves? Why aren’t we striving to catalog them all? Why aren’t we taking human instincts into consideration in the modern world when everything marches on with no regards to it, and we react instinctively in manners that may lead to our deaths? Would it not be better to take a whole view of our actions, instincts, situation, who we are, how we were raised, everything together? To consider situations in light of instincts and reality and to know when to ignore them, when to follow them?
If we don’t take instincts into consideration all that will happen is series of events will continue to happen that will set them off and people will react in a reactionary manner making things worse and worse. Humanity will either adapt and live, or they will fail to adapt and collapse, or they will fail to adapt and die off. There will be no second industrial revolution should humanity collapse. The oil reserves used to build us to this stage while not gone will be beyond the reach of people when they are ready to try again.
|Thursday, October 13th, 2011|
|Improving Airport/Airplane Security without taking away rights
People like to signal that their doing something to improve safety, life, comfort, whatever. Signal safety of kids/planes/society/etc.
Now that requires active Security measures on planes and airports. While a lot of passive security measures can protect people just as well.
1) In nuclear power plants there exist bomb sniffing hardware that doesn't analyze the contents of objects one by one but the air itself, a lot of bombs have volatile Chemicals that enter the air, by analyzing them certain chemicals can be determined to be present. Put them in the air system of planes, In the vents at airports, at key checkpoints of airports. If something is detected perform enhanced security measures on everyone.
2) Plane Design - Pilots stay in cockpit, train them for contingencies (people complain about some things but get over it as they can do it on their own time anyways). Look for other passive safety measures in airplanes.
3) Attempted density analysis of luggage and packages. (They have to weigh the things anyways for determination of weight requirements and size). Using sensors and software an approximate volume can be determined as well as an exact weight. If Density is outside a likely volume for clothing for example, flag it for enhanced analysis.
4) Metal Detectors - Already present and they detect metal on the body. Which classifies most guns and knifes
5) Certain special conditions, A wheelchair for example if the most likely case can have the person transfered to an airport wheelchair while their wheelchair is analyzed for discrepencies and if found enhanced search of it. If medical requirements require things like Oxygen, or non-movement, use certain enhanced methods.
6) Heat sensors to detect things like lite matches.
That would catch a vast majority of problems while at the same time preserving more privacy and reducing the load on workers who can have certain ideas about wielding authority or using their power.
Active Defenses -
1) Provide classes to passengers on how to subdue hijackers, (even if they have guns that wouldn't be a normal situation such as a mugger), it provides signaling and an sense that there are even more people to protect commercial flights.
2) A police presence as well as all employees trained in certain things during emergencies.
3) Accurate suspicious person list that doesn't say no fly but instead enhanced searching.
1) Lots of signs with reputations saying it's protected.
2) Allow people who went through a safety course to wear a badge, (doubly good, they get to signal their helping and others get a sense of improved security)
3) Published material on safety and current non-classified events of interest, as well as studies showing what impact it has had.
|Saturday, April 9th, 2011|
What are all of the different Linux Distributions to be had that are currently maintained.
I'm aware of:
Any that I'm missing?
|Friday, April 8th, 2011|
I want to make a little tiny personal website, in HTML v 2.0 anyone know any editors that support it, it can be ten years since it was updated.
|Thursday, April 7th, 2011|
I also want suggestions as to good Pop3/smtp servers that host e-mail for a domain, I don't need high bandwidth or very much storage, but i do need to be able to set up new email boxes on a whim and possibly quite a few. (Also for the uptime offsite email providers provide)
|Thursday, March 3rd, 2011|
|seing up a home email server
I want to set up an email server from home as well as a web site server but they will be hosted on different machines, the more immediately important one would be the email server.
Assuming an incoming email rate of about 25 messages a day, with a potential growth to 500 a day, and peak incoming of say 2000 messages day. Remote access for me from any internet connection to my home network. High hardware reliability. messages won't be stored on the server indefinitely but transfered to my main computer when I am at home. I'm thinking i can use a 1 GB ram chip (given it's jsut as a cheap as 128 MB) , a 160 GB HD, a 2Ghz single core CPU, a 200 WATT power supply, a cheap 20 dollar video card and a cheap 20 dollar motherboard. Any thoughts from anyone with technical expertise?
|Sunday, April 12th, 2009|
|Just a little something.
Oh, and figure out what I mean by chaos and don't nitpick my use of it.
Chaos is hope that things will get better. Chaos is despair that your love, your joy, your happiness will end. Order is hope that your companionship, your love, your joy is eternal. Order is despair that nothing changes and that your misery will never end.
|Wednesday, December 24th, 2008|
|Sunday, October 5th, 2008|
|Naming laws after people.
Ok, I really hate it when people and legislatures name a law after a victim. They may help but they always ignore the fact that it has happened to others in the name itself. For example all the child protection laws in general. Certain drug policies or the Lindsey Ann Burke Act. Every time it goes off an saves someone a person thinks about the single victim of it and not all the others no one knows about.
|Thursday, September 18th, 2008|
|Thoughts on religion and seriousness.
I personally thing that all religions should be taken with human and not believe it's disrespecting it for doing something completely random with it. Personally I think random quotes from the bible or some serious book about holy ghost mixed with random quotes from Stormcock (a rather suggestive book that isn't at all about that) would be really funny.
|Friday, March 14th, 2008|
|My dream search engine.
It seems that all the major web search engines and webcrawlers are degrading in quality. The first thing they do now is return wikipedia at the top of the list with nearly all search terms. Search engine excludes from it's results any of those websites that just turn into an ad site, i.e. the companies that immediately register an expired domain name and sit on it with ads all over it. Those should just get excluded, maybe referenced to the internet archive project but start bypassing all of those. An optional list that is saveable of every website/host you do not want results from. I would put wikipedia on my list because the vast majority of the time it's not what I want.